2010

I'd like to acknowledge the new year and decade. Yes, I noticed that you happened. Good job rolling over, there.

There is one thing that bears mentioning, though: one of the most significant events of last year took place on the night of December 31st. It was an extraordinary conversation.

I have a number of friends that believe in completing on the outgoing year before creating anything for the new year. Intuitively this makes sense; I'll wager that the majority of us bold enough to declare new year's resolutions have some failure in our wake. Creating new resolutions without clearing out whatever innate meaning you've attached to having not completed last year's sounds like a proper recipe for failure. I just didn't expect what I'd find.

There has been a deep pallor of dissatisfaction coloring most of my achievements for the latter half of 2009. I've known this for a while, but I could never put my finger on the source of it. All I knew is that it started shortly after my ex and I broke up. The thing is this -- for many months I have been clear that:

1. That was not the relationship I wanted.
2. I have no undelivered communication for her.
3. I'm open to having her in my life in some other capacity.

So if all that was clear, why did life seems so gray most of the time? If it wasn't the absence of my ex, what the hell was it?

"What did you make the break-up mean about yourself?"

I don't remember exactly what I said. I know I said something about having been completely vulnerable in a relationship for the first time ever. That's something I just don't do. For someone desperately concerned that if you really knew me that you'd see I'm nothing special, the last thing I'd want to do is bare my heart for someone else.

"What I heard is that you were fully vulnerable, and you still didn't get what you wanted. And then you decided you were done with being vulnerable. The ability to be hurt and failing at the relationship is more than you were willing to deal with. If you're going to fail, why also allow yourself to be hurt in the process? Can you see that?"

"Yes, I see it very clearly," I replied. Not willing to be vulnerable any more -- what has that been like for Vincy?

"Okay, so there's one last piece for you," the conversation continued. "Consider that you were vulnerable and that you got exactly what you wanted."

My mind exploded. I had been totally vulnerable, and all I wanted was to be free of that relationship. Yet I had been living inside, "Giving yourself fully to something still doesn't get you what you want." What followed immediately was a clear view on half a year lived half-assedly.

My eyes slowly filled with tears as I smirked and said, "I'm done with that."

For 2010, I declare a year of triumphs and heartbreaks inside my commitments painted in shockingly vivid colors. I will live for an entire year.

So be it resolved.