Ex-ed Out

Koko and I didn’t end on the best of terms (in fact, I pretty much erased her existence from this blog altogether), but is it the worst thing in the world to discover you still love your ex-wife and want her in your life? I assert that it ain’t.

"Tell me about your ex-wife," Vincy said one morning. Totally out of the blue.

I began to recount the story of how Koko and I had met through her friend Jerry that saw me dancing at all the Japanese festivals in the Aichi and Gifu prefectures and how we went from being friends to being in a relationship (later a long distance relationship) and how I brought her to the states to marry me. I talked about our pre-wedding party, too, and it dawned on me that I still had our hardcover bound photo album somewhere in storage. "Would you like to see it?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'd love to!" I hadn't looked at that book since we got divorced, but I'm glad I still knew where it was.

Regardless of how I felt about Koko, I'd never be able to deny the quality of that photo album. The photographer took my single favorite photo of Koko and me:


The man has an eye. Or as Vincy would say, "Nice eyeballs!"

I unearthed the photo album and lay down beside Vincy. "This is Koko," I began.

"Wow she's so pretty!"

And we began to flip through the pages. Each page was spilling over with the love and fun that characterized our relationship for all the years Koko was still living in Japan. I pointed out her friends and mine. "Oh, this is where we did a little dance to 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough.' And she and her sister sang and danced to a song dressed like *THAT*. It was hilarious!" Then I remembered that "hilarious" was one of those words Koko always tried to use but, like a country preacher, could never seem to pronounce it right.

I don't know if Vincy asked or if I volunteered it, but we both got that I missed her. "You should call her," she said.

"I will."

"When?" Damn, this girl is serious!

"This weekend."

The next day Vincy texted me to ask if I had called Koko yet. I hadn't, so I did. I only got her voicemail, but I was glad that her phone number still worked. Koko and I played phone tag until I finally got her on the horn while sitting on the tarmac in L.A. about to leave for London to celebrate my 32nd birthday.

Now, after having not talked to someone for a year, I expect to hear lots of new developments. I expect that so much has happened that the other person has no idea where to begin and just can't shut up about all the changes in his/her life. But I guess that's just me because everyone else seems to have two or three major bullet points. So I listened to them and got that I hadn't missed out much on what happened while we hadn't talked. I had only missed out on what type of future we could build together as friends. We agreed to meet up for coffee when I got back from London, and she wished me a happy birthday.

"Thanks. I look forward to seeing you when I get back!"

"Me too!" she answered.

And then after a pause, "I love you!"

Another pause, and then she laughed. Koko has a musical laugh that shakes her whole body. I only heard it over the phone, but I know how it goes. "Wow, I'm surprised to hear you say that. Thank you!"

"Bye!"

"Bye bye!"

We met up the weekend I got back from London at a local coffee shop. I brought Mame. We talked and talked and talked. We swapped stories and laughed. I shared about work, my motorcycles, my breakup, my girlfriend, everything. In fact, after we had been talking for two and a half hours, I suggested that she come back to my place to check out my motorcycle and to meet Vincy. She agreed, and it was cool.

Before Koko left, I asked Vincy to snap a picture of us together.

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

             - “All Is Full Of Love” by Björk